Why I Left Seminary

This post has been brewing for a while. More than once I thought I shouldn’t write it at all. But I think the time has come to share what’s been going on in my life lately since it has taken some dramatic turns over the past few months.

About this time last year I was sweating through my first semester of doctoral studies, a process that should have occupied me until around 2017. But at the end of the spring semester, I dropped out.

That’s right: I, Josh Vajda, am a PhD drop-out.

I never announced it because I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it or give people the wrong idea. DTS is a great school, the doctoral program in theological studies was a great program, and I was surrounded by great professors. Of course they all have their flaws, as everyone does, but nothing out of the ordinary.

In short, it wasn’t them, it was me.

I had a long list of reasons to leave, all strategic. I had to have a long list, otherwise there would be no way I would break that commitment. That’s not the way I’m wired. When the cause is hopeless, I’m usually the last to admit it. And to leave not because it was a hopeless cause but because I wanted more? It felt like a bold new step in my development as a leader. Only time will tell if there was any truth to that.

As the months roll on and I get farther away from the decision, I find myself just as satisfied with the choice to leave, but my reasons have changed rather dramatically. When I left it was to pursue a path that I thought would make me a more competitive hire as a professor. In fact, now my whole trajectory has changed. I’ve decided to put doctoral studies on hold indefinitely to pursue ministry in the local church.

I think at this point a little background is in order.

I did finish seminary the first time and now hold a master’s degree in theology, the 4-year ThM. I learned Greek and Hebrew, fell in love with philosophy and church history, wrote a master’s thesis, and met some of the most fantastic professors anyone could hope to study under. They marked me for life, and I am forever in their debt. But for four years I poured all my effort into my studies—especially the the courses in my chosen discipline, systematic theology—and while I didn’t by God’s grace neglect my family, I did neglect my personal time with God and minimized my service in church.

I was warned against this repeatedly, but I had good excuses. I came to seminary planning to be a college pastor, but I quickly shifted gears to pursue academic ministry. I wanted to maximize my influence and to spend my life grappling with these ideas that many people are unable to for one reason or another. So I had to focus on my studies for a season in order to position myself for my future ministry.

Now I want you to understand: I’m not here to confess that the change in direction was a mistake. I don’t even think making my studies a priority was wrong. But I was so committed to keeping momentum, maintaining good GPA, focusing my efforts on the goal of a career in academia, that I let essential things fall by the wayside.

What I’m discovering now is just how bad I let things get, and how absolutely essential it was for me to get out of school before I could begin to work on them.

For example, while I never wavered in my faith, I did lose my convictions about specific doctrines. Their complexity demanded more thought than I could give them at the time and rather than push “pause” and collect myself, I pressed on in a kind of agnostic haze.

I also gave up personal Bible study trusting that my schooling would keep me feeding directly or indirectly on the Word. While that was partially right it ignored the fact that people aren’t always clear about where their ideas are coming from, and professors by no means agree on everything. The voice of God receded into the background amid the many voices of His people.

For ministry, I served as a musician. I love music, and it’s been a huge blessing to me. But playing bass guitar is a God-given skill, NOT a spiritual gift I exercise for the benefit of the body. I was heavily involved in teaching at my church before seminary, and I put that on the shelf as a sacrifice and never stopped mourning it.

I had also arrived at seminary with more baggage than I realized. I’m sure we all do, and I wasn’t totally unaware of my issues. But in many ways I left those issues in limbo, and over time many of them got worse. Whether people-pleasing, lust, a judgmental spirit, or just general narcissism, they did not go away on their own. And I shelved concerted efforts to check them for the sake of the season I was in.

Now it may be that I’m being too hard on myself. That would be nice. And I did grow in so many areas, both because of my schooling and because of the people I’ve rubbed shoulders with in and out of class. But I wish I had taken things slower to give these other issues more attention. And I wish I had made ministry a priority instead of keeping a minimal involvement.

The take-away here is NOT, I repeat NOT “don’t go to seminary.” Seminary was incredible. In fact, the year of doctoral studies I had was one of the most fantastic experiences I’ve ever had. One day I hope to write a post on who should go to seminary and why. But if there’s any application for you the reader, I would suggest that if you feel called to academic ministry you should have the capacity to stay a good Christian while you pursue being a good scholar. You shouldn’t be limited to the extent that you have to choose. For one reason or another, I did have to choose, and that cost me.

My main point in writing is more personal than I usually allow myself in a blog: doctoral studies were great, but I was behind on the work God was doing in me. I’m working on it now by God’s grace and believe that serving in the church again will continue to mold me into the man I should be. Maybe someday I will take another crack at doctoral studies, but not before I learn greater obedience, use what I have already been given to bless others, and increase my capacity for study.

In the meantime, I am thrilled at the idea of serving again, sharing all the riches that I have been granted over the past 5 years. I’m devouring Scripture like I never have before, and my stomach is still growling. The fog over my convictions is clearing, and I’m settling issues that used to bug me. And I see my heart changing in ways long overdue, although I have a long, long way to go before I have the kind of exemplary character in Christ I believe a leader ought to have. (I can only imagine how horrified my professors would be to learn of all these struggles after the fact. Better late than never?)

Once again I marvel at how man makes his plans, but God has His own purposes. I thought I left seminary for one set of reasons, but it turns out God had me leave for another.